I thought this might be something fun to blog about. It likely won’t be interesting for those of you who are actually reading this (thanks, by the way), but I am writing it to benefit myself, in a way. It’s fun to reflect on how my life and personality has changed over the years.
Who I was in high school.
My first day of high school started with physical education. Every day for the first semester of Grade 9 I was forced into awkward change rooms and terrible gym classes filled with running and sports I hated. I remember having to run a mile for one of our fit tests and it was just, all around, a terrible experience for me (a) because the Grade 12 boys, who had class on the opposite side of the curtained-off gym at the same time as my class, were our “partners” and had to count each lap we did until we reached 13, which was equivalent to a mile and (b) I was out of shape, badly, and hated running. I think I was one of the last girls to finish their mile and it was humiliating.
Another fond memory of Grade 9 was in my English class on picture day. I used to have this terrible habit of gnawing on my pens (which, by the way, led to another fun Grade 9 memory where I broke one of my teeth in half [yes, in half] by chewing on a pen lid in my science class) and on this particular day, I chewed so hard on my pen that it blew up. In my mouth. I was the shy, quiet girl in class so I didn’t want to bring attention to myself by screeching or something that would have everyone in the class see me blue-mouthed. Instead, I covered my mouth and calmly put up my hand, waiting until the teacher called on me. When he said my name, I moved my hand away from my mouth and he burst out laughing and added, with urgency, “Yes, Chantelle!! Go to the bathroom!” I washed what I could off my skin and out of my mouth and wandered back to my class with all of my fellow classmates giving me a knowing look. It was a rather funny moment but, still, embarrassing and incredibly awkward.
This next part is something incredibly personal and hard to share because I haven’t told a lot of people about it. I’m not looking for sympathy so keep that in mind as you read on. In Grade 10, I started my first job as a hostess at a local family restaurant. I was incredibly shy. Painfully so. I almost got fired a few times for my shyness and just general lack of know-how in the restaurant industry. It took me months of working at the restaurant for me to feel comfortable enough around my coworkers to talk to them and joke with them. Once I improved at communicating with my coworkers, I was able to talk more to the customers and was eventually promoted to waitress, at which point I picked up five closing shifts a week and also a terrible habit for eating. I would come home from school, eat supper, go to work and then eat another supper on my break. I quickly gained weight. And lots of it. The added weight didn’t bother me because I didn’t think I was overweight. Once gym class became an option instead of a required class, I dropped out of that and literally had no physical activity aside from working. It wasn’t until Grade 12 when it came time to shop for graduation dresses that my weight started bothering me. So, I restricted my food intake heavily and started dropping weight. It came off fast, much faster than I anticipated it to. When grad day was around the corner, I had to have my dress taken in quite a bit because I had lost an upwards of 30 pounds. It was a ‘dark’ time in my life. Food became something I obsessed over and although I looked a lot better than I did at the start of my Grade 12 year, it was never enough. The “disordered eating”, as I like to call it, continued on into my few years of university I did attend. It was incredibly unhealthy but I never was happy enough with the way I looked to stop.
So, who was I in high school? A shy, awkward, quiet, obsessive girl who spent much of her time talking to boys on the internet (one of which is my soon-to-be husband) and playing computer games. I was emotional, sensitive and sad a lot of the time. I didn’t make many friends in high school and I will always regret that.
Who I am now.
Though my experiences through high school have shaped who I have become, I am an entirely different person now than I was then.
I am not as shy as I used to be. I have improved tenfold since my quiet hostess days. I am just as awkward as ever though. In fact, I might more awkward due to my decrease in shyness. Just the other day I asked the employee at Costco who took my picture for our Costco card if I looked like a serial murderer. He laughed awkwardly and the rest of our exchange had a very unpleasant air to it. Note to self: use your ability for reading people to read people better!!
I have learned a lot about myself from having my daughter. My eating habits have changed significantly, for one. I have introduced a healthy lifestyle into our household. We don’t forbid treats from our house because I know that’ll cause me to binge and that might cause my old restricting habits to return. My fiancé and I exercise together when we can. Melina sees me doing exercise videos and playing exercise video games all of the time and even joins in on occasion. I will do everything in my power to instil confidence in my daughter so she doesn’t grow up hating herself and her body like I did.
I changed from someone who yearned for love, sure that no one could ever love me the way I wanted them too, to someone in love and on the verge of getting married.
I am certain there are still things to be learned and revelations to be made in my life but I am a much different person now and I couldn’t be happier about it.
Oh and for the record, I can run a mile now, no problem. And I actually enjoy doing it. Take THAT 15-year-old me!
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