Our family had a garage sale the past few days and I found myself with a few hours of fairly quiet Mommy-time while I manned the sale. It was really nice as it’s rare that I get even a few minutes of uninterrupted Mommy-time anytime our daughter is awake. Which is fine, don’t get me wrong! It’s all part of being a Mama! But this alone time over the past few days was beneficial to me because I had an opportunity to be alone with my thoughts, which is something that used to be a bit dangerous but I really embraced it this time around.
I got to thinking about what I want out of life. Many people I know have goals they want to achieve during their lifetime and have even worked on a five or ten year plan. Sitting here and writing this now I realize that I’ve never really thought that far ahead before. Sure, in high school I had a makeshift “bucket list” with specific things I wanted to do before I died, but so many of the things on there don’t even really apply to my life these days that I pretty much scrapped it (though, to be honest, I mostly just lost the list). Things that were important to me then like “become a waitress” and “be someone’s escort to grad” (seriously, those were two of the things on my list) aren’t important to me at all now. Maybe one day I will create another bucket list. Lord knows I love lists! But, for now, I am concentrating on the things that I want out of life. While I’m on my death bed, I want to be able to look back on how I lived and say “yea, I did it. I got the most out of my life!”
So, what is it that I want most out of my life?
- Lots of laughter
- Happiness
- Self-acceptance
- Adventure & challenge
- To be a loving mother with an amazing relationship with my child(ren?)
- Find a career I love
- Learn to love myself
Some of these things on the list like laughter and happiness are already in my life. But I put them on the list because I want to remind myself throughout the years of the things that were important to me at some point in my life.
Self-acceptance and learning to love myself are things that I’ve always struggled with. Always. I got 85% on a test but I SHOULD have gotten 90%. I finally ran a 5K after being a chubby kid who hated gym class but I COULD’VE run it faster. I killed seven opponents in Call of Duty: Black Ops online but I COULD’VE killed ten if I were better (seriously, that one happened last night haha). There is just an awful lot of negative self-talk on my behalf that ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. “Oh, you’ll never lose those last 10 baby pounds!” is a common phrase I say to myself when I nail down a good nutrition and workout regimen. And then because I don’t believe in myself, I fail. So, I need to work on that.
Adventure is something I’ve found that I crave a lot lately. To be honest, before my husband’s car accident, running races or going on hard adventure trips never occurred to me. But as soon as he was well enough to race in his wheelchair, we ran/wheeled a 5K together because I signed us both up thinking it would keep us motivated and healthy and it did. I have a dream one day of going on a solo adventure (‘solo’ meaning without anyone I know) overseas to trek mountains and do crazy things that will test my physical capabilities. Nothing like this ever really crossed my mind before TJ’s accident and I don’t know what it is that makes me crave that kind of challenge now but I love it. I think it had something to do with his positivity and perseverance through all of the negative things that had been thrown his way that inspired me to become this way. It just made me realize how short and unpredictable life really is and I want to make sure I take every chance I can get to make my life worth living!
It is important to me that I maintain a close relationship with my daughter for pretty obvious reasons. She has changed me for the better in so many ways and I absolutely cannot imagine who I would be without her in my life. She has taught me so many things about myself, life and my relationship with my hubby and has added laughter and joy to our lives daily. I want to ensure that this relationship stays strong throughout her childhood years and teenage years. I want her to know she can confide in me and I will accept her, no matter what mistakes she may make in life. I am her mother and I am here to love her unconditionally, support her no matter what and make sure she knows damn well how much I love her!!
I am 23 years old and still unsure what I want to do with my life. I have no degree/certificate under my belt and the only skill set I have is fixing an owie when my daughter scraps her knee or cooking a healthy meal for my family (most days). I look forward to getting more of an education some day and I have faith that one day I will have my light bulb moment and know just what it is I am supposed to do with my life. I feel that day is closer now than ever. But, until then, I wait patiently.
So what is it exactly that’s in my makeshift five year plan? Find a career path that’s suited to my personality and interests, pursue that career path through higher education, be there for Melina when she starts Kindergarten (scary thought), to accept any curve balls life throws at my family with grace and ease, to provide a stable home for Melina to rely upon, to add adventure in my life, to learn to love myself and to pass that self-love onto Melina in a healthy way (no arrogance here).
Do you have a five year plan?
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