I have always had a bit of a temper, which surprises a lot of people I think. I come off as shy and quiet around people I don’t really know or am uncomfortable around but the truth is, when I am with my friends or family, I am a completely different person. I’m silly, dorky and I’ve come to realize, lately especially, that I sing a LOT (this is why Melina sing songs her way through half of the day most days). I am not a good singer but I constantly have a song stuck in my head, whether it’s the theme song to Caillou or Blue’s Clues or the Oompa Loompa song, which randomly came to me last week and has been rearing its ugly head daily, much to TJ’s dismay. Although I am happy-go-lucky most of the time, I do have a temperamental side that shows up once in a while, not often, but enough to make it a suitable blog topic, apparently.
A super quick synopsis for those of you who don’t know, TJ was in a car accident in Oct. 2009 that left him paralyzed from the chest down. A lot of my anger stems from my husband’s car accident. But first of all, let me make this clear, I don’t want to make this a therapy blog and I really do NOT want people feeling sorry for us. The reason I started this blog (“Me, Inspired”) was to get in touch with the inner Chantelle and blog about things that have happened or are happening to me as a way of keeping me inspired to live my life the way I want to live it. I am so iffy about blogging about TJ’s car accident not because it’s a sore subject, because it’s really not, but because I don’t want the accident to defy who we are as a couple, or, even as individuals. I have found that when I think about our relationship, I think about it in two ways – “before the accident” and “after the accident” and I hate that I do that. Yes, things are different because of the accident but we are still the same people on the inside. He still acts like an overexcited eight-year-old on Christmas and I’m right there beside him acting the same way. We are still the same people.
The anger I feel is not directed at TJ in any way, shape or form. I am angry at the situation. I am angry that we had to go through this. Yes, the accident made us stronger people and proved to me that our bond is like no other, but dammit, it makes me angry. And I’m allowed to be angry. It has taken me almost two years to realize it but I am allowed to feel this anger. Life shit on us, to put it eloquently. It did. But it could have been so much worse. TJ could’ve lost his life. It came so close to that.
When I get angry I ask myself, “why him?” Why did it have to be TJ to get into the accident? I can’t even count how many times I wish it had been me. I would’ve, no doubt, taken the paralysis news much differently than TJ did but I still wish it had been me in the truck instead of him.
Other times I am angry because I’m holding onto the memory of him leaving for work the night of his accident. I can remember it so well and I’m afraid it’ll be etched into my memory forever. TJ & I were hugging as he was about to leave for work and Melina, who had just turned one a week earlier, toddled up to us and wanted us to pick her up. So we had a three-way family hug and then Melina and I walked TJ to the door and watched him run to his truck, start it up and drive out of the driveway. When I think back to that night, I feel like a part of me knew something was going to happen. We never watched him drive away like that before. But I am always going to remember that moment. And other little moments from earlier that day as well, we had grilled cheese sandwiches and sweet potato fries for lunch. It really is like October 24, 2009 was the end of one part of my life. I remember every little detail and it still haunts me. I had a bath and had just hopped into bed to go to sleep when I got the phone call from “TJ” (the RCMP using TJ’s phone). I know it’s no fault of my own but I still get a little mad at myself when I think that I was lounging in the bath tub with a book as TJ was fighting for his life.
TJ and I have learned to make light of the situation. Hours after his diagnosis, TJ was making jokes about not being able to swing dance with me at our wedding. We had planned to surprise our guests with an awesome choreographed swing dance and had just begun practicing swing dancing when TJ had his accident. So that idea went out the window after the accident. But, you know what? Half way through our wedding reception, we stepped out onto the dance floor and did a little swing dance which we had practiced at home, with TJ in his chair, the week leading up to the wedding. It was perfect.
Melina has learned it’s pretty cool to have a dad in a wheelchair as she’s always hopping on his lap and driving around (or, at times, hijacking his car and taking it for a spin). In fact, when TJ was still in rehabilitation, Melina used to push him around in his chair all of the time, making her a very popular little girl in the ward TJ was staying in.
I guess, in a way, October 24, 2009 was the end of one chapter in my life. The 25th of October began a new, very different chapter but a new chapter, nonetheless. The 24th wasn’t the end of mine and TJ’s lives, and we don’t ever look at it that way. Yes, the way we live our day-to-day lives are very different now than ‘before’ the accident. But at least I am still able to look him in the eye and kiss him and know that with him everything will be okay.
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