My mission statement

I celebrated my 25th birthday this past weekend and do i feel old! I know there's a lot of people who will read this, scoff and say "you're not old! You're still so young!" While that may be true, I have to say that I do feel old. In my close knit group of friends, I am the only one who is married and the only one with a family. That's completely okay with me. My friends and I have been friends since elementary school and although our lives have definitely gone in different directions, we try to get together once every few months. Here's the thing, though, every time we get together, it's because there's a party or someone's birthday. Every get together is fueled with alcohol. Aside from my daughters birthday parties, I think I'd be hard pressed to find a time in recent memory where my friends and I got together and didn't drink. And I was okay with it. I didnt mind "cutting loose" every once in a while (a handful of times a year). But I think I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm just over it. I'm done. I don't need to drink to have fun. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my friends NEED to drink to have fun, I know they don't. But I just feel that we have gotten to that point in our lives where our idea of a "fun night" is completely polar opposites. I'd honestly take a night of movies and TV with my family over a night spent drinking or at the bar.

This is stemming from my extreme drunkenness this weekend. It was the drunkest I have been since having Melina and I'm embarrassed and ashamed I let myself get that bad. I didn't do anything too out of control, aside from being escorted out of the bar by a bouncer, but I just can't let it happen again. I have other responsibilities in my life now and I just can't do it anymore. I can't try to be the person I was before having Melina, where I could hold my liquor and have a super awesome amazing night out on the town, because I'm not that person anymore. Becoming a mother has changed me and my idea of fun. Maybe I'm "boring" now but I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by not going to parties or forgoing a night of drinking for a night of snuggles with Melina. I don't consider myself boring at all, I'm just a different person now and I'm completely okay with that. :) I'm not saying I'm better than someone else because I'm choosing to not drink anymore. I'm just saying that my life has taken me in a direction whereby drinking doesn't have a place on the priority list anymore.

So this is my mission statement, I will no longer drink to get drunk. Any alcoholic beverages that I will have will be the kind enjoyed with a "cheat meal" and will be drank very sparingly. If I'm invited to situations where alcohol is to be consumed, I will gladly be the designated driver or kindly decline the invite.

The only exception to this rule is if I ever go to Vegas again ;)

Whatever your past has been your future is spotless.

I have started writing about 10 different blog entries since my last one but I never finish them. I write about a page and then give up because I get bored of the subject matter or just get distracted and never wind up finishing them. My goal today is to finish and post this blog. It isn’t going to be anything special but I want to get back into writing in here. So, here goes.

I am an emotional person. Scratch that. I am hypersensitive and, um, extremely, passionately emotional. It’s who I am. I cry over everything. I cry over nothing. I am a crier. And it has taken me 24 years to accept that.

I used to hide the fact that I am this way. It used to embarrass me. I remember watching movies with my parents when I was growing up and if someone died or something sad happened, I would run into another room or bury my face in the couch cushions so my parents would see me cry. I thought it was something to be ashamed of.

I can safely say, and boy, can TJ vouch for this, that I have now 110% accepted my emotions and allow them to flow freely. I won’t lie to you; the silliest things make me cry. I have cried over car insurance commercials. I have cried watching America’s Funniest Home Videos. I cry EVERY TIME (seriously) I watch a TV show like American Idol or The Voice. TJ accepts it. He thinks it’s funny (or “cute” as he says). I’m just comfortable crying in front of him. I’m not embarrassed to cry because I’m happy for the contestants who move on in the competition on The Voice or when Hedwig died in Harry Potter! TJ has pretty much just come to accept the fact that when we watch TV, I am going to cry. And I think that his acceptance is what has made me come to terms with this personality trait, which I used to consider a flaw.

I have heard people say that it’s not okay to cry in front of your children. I don’t see a problem with *this* kind of crying in front of her. Crying makes me human. Yes, I have emotions. I am not a robot. I am not a super Mom who can suppress my emotions when my child is around. If we’re watching The Voice and a judge turns his chair for a contestant, you bet I’m going to cry. If Melina has inherited my emotions, she will grow up knowing it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all cry, it’s a part of life. I cry when I am happy for someone because I channel their emotions. I am an empath (that’s a whole different blog entry though) and I literally feel what people feel. Damn rights I’m going to cry when Hedwig gets off’ed in Harry Potter. That bird was his companion for six years! Lol.

In all seriousness, though, it comes down to this: I am sensitive and I will cry. Melina will see me cry over TV shows and at her school concerts and on her first day of school. It doesn’t make me weak. It makes me, me.

Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

The start of a new year always seems to symbolize rebirth. It's the start of a new year, time to wipe the slate clean, you know? I don't know how much I 'believe' in that. I haven't made a new years resolution ever that I have stuck with. It's not a huge priority of mine. I make small goals throughout the year and strive for them. I don't use the beginning of a new calender year as a starting point. I know there are people who do and that works for them and that's awesome! I turned over a new "leaf" this week and begun striving to lose the Christmas weight I packed on in December. Six nasty little pounds found its way into my body (what? eating chips and fast food for a whole month makes you gain weight? mind blowing!) but I am on my way to losing those and the extra that I'm still carrying from my pregnancy. I started P90X2 with a friend this week. We are on Day 4 and I don't see myself stopping anytime soon. 86 days from now I will have a new body because I said I'll have a new body, not because the calender tells me it's time to start striving for one.

I can't believe that 2011 is almost over. How fast did this year go by, seriously? Does anyone else think that the older we get, the faster the time seems to slip by? It's kind of scary. I remember being in Grade 6 and thinking "omg, 6 more years of school until I'm FREE" and those 6 years went by so s l o w l y. And now, here I am at 24, six years post-high school graduation and thinking about how fast the last six years have gone. Scary! I hope I find a way to slow time down so I can learn to live in the moment and enjoy the great life that I have.

I don't say that often enough, I really don't. I have a great life. I have a loving hubby who accepts me for who I am, flaws and all. In fact, what I've always considered my greatest flaw (my sensitivity and emotions), he finds endearing and adorable. Because of that, I've learned to accept that I'm a sensitive person. Yes, I'm going to cry during TV commercials and torture myself with sad Youtube videos. That's who I am. And he accepts that and now, so do I :) ! I have a beautiful daughter who means the world to me. I can't imagine life without her. She has taught me so much about myself, about life and even about TJ. It's amazing to see the world through her eyes. It's like being a kid again. She gets excited about the silliest things and it renews MY excitement for the same types of things. Nothing is more rewarding than having her come up to me, randomly, giving me a hug and saying that she loves me. It makes all the sleepless nights and tears MORE than worth it. I have a job with amazing perks that keeps me motivated to become a better, more healthy version of myself. I have wonderful friends who keep me grounded. I have a home which operates as it should 99% of the time lol. I really can't complain.

2011 was a great year, one I will not forget, that's for sure. A trip to Vegas, a trip to California and my wedding! It was probably one of the best years of my life, I would have to say. So many amazing memories were made and I'm so blessed to have had the chance to experience the things I did during the past year. Aside from the trips and the wedding, one of the most amazing things about this year was watching Melina grow up. Holy man! This girl has learned so much this year and it just blows my mind. She was almost completely potty trained in the week I was home between my Vegas vacation and our California vacation! She knows how to count to 20 (almost! she misses 15 for some reason), she knows her ABCs, she loves to sing, it's just amazing seeing all of the milestones she has hit this year. I love seeing her personality evolve. I wonder what sorts of things she will have accomplished by this time next year? I can't even begin to fathom!

I am excited to see what 2012 is going to bring myself and my family. =] I'm looking forward to the start of the new year, even though this past one was incredible. Happy New Years everyone!

A woman's true beauty is the reflection of her inner happiness.

You are a beautiful human being.

How often do any of us hear that phrase? Honestly? When was the last time someone said that to you? Sure, there may be some of us who hear it from our husbands or boyfriends or when we were out at the bar last weekend. But when those people say it are they referring to your inner beauty or your appearance on the outside?
Beauty is not how much you weigh, your pant size, how long your hair is, your eye colour, the brand of clothing that you adorn your body with. Beauty isn’t measured by the number on the scale or the inches around your waist. True beauty isn’t any of these things. It makes me so mad and is such a shame that the media and society has conditioned us to view beauty in this way.

When was the first time you thought yourself imperfect? Think hard. Do you want your children to think that way about themselves at that age? For me, I started obsessing over my appearance very early on in elementary school. The thought of Melina being like that makes me sick to my stomach. I love the age she is at now. She is so happy with everything. She doesn’t look in the mirror and feel self-conscious or worry about the way she looks. I wish it could stay like this forever. I tell Melina every chance I get how beautiful I think she is. Not only that, but I compliment her personality too, which I think is MORE important than just telling her that she’s beautiful. Yes, it’s important for every little girl to hear she’s beautiful. But I think telling her she’s smart is even more important. We’re always commenting on Melina’s intelligence around her because she IS smart and she always impresses us. Even though she may not fully understand what “being smart” means, you can bet that she’s making note of it.

I left a note in the hotel room our family stayed in this weekend for the maid. I love leaving notes for the maids and have done it on quite a few occasions. This note, I stuck on the mirror in the bathroom and wrote “You are beautiful. Do not forget it.” I hope I made her day. People need to be reminded of this more often. You don’t have to be a size 0 or be the owner of luscious locks to be beautiful. Being beautiful is being YOU. It is a shame that some people spend their whole lives trying to fit the conventional standards of beauty in order to impress someone, when the true beauty of their being lies in their minds, in their personalities, not in their appearance.

I do not fit the conventional standards of beauty in ANY sense. I’m short. I have love handles. I wear my glasses even though I really don’t need to. My hair is constantly pulled back in a headband or ponytail (when it’s long enough). My skin decided to channel it’s inner teenager in my 20’s because I had awesome skin in high school but now I’m constantly breaking out. I’m so imperfect but that is what makes me, me! I am proud of my sense of humour. My awkward dorky sort of humour. I like my strength in the face of adversity! I am a video game nerd and bookworm and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I I am proud of my awkwardness in many social situations because I think it’s endearing. I often don’t know the right things to say, but dammit, I try! And if it comes out sounding weird and awkward, then so be it. That’s just part of who I am. It has taken me all of my life to be happy with who I am but I think I am finally getting there. I can look past my imperfect appearance and see the pretty awesome person who is inside. I’m not saying I don’t have annoying personality traits because, let’s be honest, we all do. But I think my positive traits far outweigh the negative.

I may not fit the 6’0”, 115 lbs, long luscious locks and bright blue eyes standard of beauty, but I’ll be damned if I’m not beautiful.

Go for it now. The future is promised to no one.

Life Quotes

It’s like something ‘clicked’ in my brain sometime in the last couple of months because I have been so happy – the happiest I’ve been in a couple of years, in fact! And it’s been amazing. I feel like a fog has been lifted and I am loving it.

Let’s be honest, the past two years have been a struggle for my family. TJ’s accident was exactly two years ago on October 24th. I will never forget the little tiny details of that day, like what we had for lunch (grilled cheese sandwiches and sweet potato fries) or what time I got that phone call from the RCMP saying TJ was in an accident (10:44 p.m.) but I finally feel like I’ve come to terms with the accident and the changes that came because of it. I have struggled silently with anger and sadness as a result of what our family has gone through, but, as I said, I finally feel like the dark little cloud surrounding me is gone and I can see the good things that I have going for me.

Yay me, right?

Because things have been going so well, I’ve been noticing differences in my personality and feelings of self-worth. I’m not so self-conscious anymore. For example, if I were at the gym two years ago and there were boys there working out, I’d stick to cardio machines only. I didn’t want to lift weights in front of boys. But now, I head to the weight racks without a second thought! As a result of my increased confidence, I took a huge step today and signed up for a course I’ve been looking into seriously the past year or so. If you know me at all you’d know that the one thing that really bothers me about myself and my life (and has bothered me since high school) is my lack of insight into what I want to do with my future. I’ve gone through every profession from teacher to lawyer to writer to criminologist to forensic psychologist to photographer to...well...you name it, seriously. And while it’s true that a lot of those topics still interest me to a certain degree, I have never believed in my capabilities to pursue a career in any of those fields.

Then in 2008, my life changed. Aside from having my beautiful daughter in October (she, btw, celebrating her third birthday last Sunday! Yikes! Time flies TOO fast), I also packed on some serious poundage. I was nearly 200 lbs when I had Melina which is +60 lbs from what I weighed when I got pregnant. I was huge, unhappy and flabby. Then I bit the bullet one day and bought a gym membership. It seemed like a chore at the time but the weight falling off of me made me continue going. In 2009, TJ & I joined a Biggest Loser competition in our town and lost some more weight together and it was then that the ‘monster’ in me was awakened. I love fitness. I love exercising. I don’t even view it as a chore anymore. I own a 1000 workout DVDs, programs and books (okay, that’s a slight exaggeration of course but if you ask TJ he will lie and tell you I actually do own a 1000). So, today I signed up for a personal training certification class. It’s done through correspondence so I can do all my course work from home which is convenient. And I have to say, I am SO pumped to start learning more about this field, even just for my own benefit as an exercise! I can’t wait to learn about the human body and relive some of the things I hated learning about in high school (when I was also overweight and didn’t care about health/fitness). I will admit, however, that my sights aren’t set at becoming a personal trainer right away. I am one of those people who needs to be 110% sure of something before I set my mind to it and I feel that taking more courses in this field before I even think about training someone would be beneficial for me. I want to know everything I possibly can! I don’t want to do this wishy-washy. I want to learn more about proper nutrition and, conveniently enough, the same association from which I’m taking the personal trainer course offers a nutrition certificate as well.

I am excited for the text book to be on my door step in a few days and to dive into it head first. I want to learn and I’m so thrilled to be about to embark on a learning journey in something that I truly am passionate about! Hip hip hurray!

Every man dies - but not every man really lives.

There are so many things that I want to do with my life and oh-so-many adventures I haven’t yet had the chance to experience. I have created a few different bucket lists since finding out what they were in high school. Some of these items on my NEW list are silly but some of them mean the world to me and if I never get the chance to accomplish them before I die, I feel like I’d be letting myself down.

The first bucket list I had I started back in 2003 and had goals that really only pertained to my life as it was then, in high school. One of my ‘dreams’ in 2003 was to be someone’s grad escort. I never was. Do I regret not being someone’s grad escort? Not at all. It’s funny how things like that seemed like such a huge deal back then. There were many things on my Bucket List 03’ that I have been able to cross off like fall in love, get married, ride a roller coaster, become a waitress (haha. I was a ‘measly’ hostess at the time I created the list, obviously), have a baby, go to California, etc. Many of the things on that list that I didn’t get to accomplish just have fallen to the way side over the years. Sky diving was a huge “MUST DO” for most of my life. In March of this year, I went indoor skydiving in Las Vegas with my girl friends and it was terrifying. I don’t think I would survive a real sky dive without having a panic attack now. :P

In the summer of 2006, the first summer of mine and TJ’s relationship, I created a Summer Bucket List. TJ saw it in my room one day and vowed to help me cross off as many things as I could with him that summer. I’ll be honest, the things on that list were completely immature and ridiculous (like “stay up all day and night” which TJ did help me accomplish one drunken evening when I went to work at 6 a.m. still kinda sorta a little bit drunk. Sorry Mom) but some of my favourite memories were created that summer. <3

Enough chit chat, here are 25 things on my new and improved bucket list.
1. Make a difference in someone’s life.
2. Take Melina to Disneyland/Disneyworld
3. Have the ability to say that I am proud of myself for something
4. Accept my body. Flaws and all.
5. Go to Paris
6. Fly first class. Just one time.
7. Go on a solo adventure to a faraway place just to prove I can be independent
8. Become an advocate for something I believe in
9. Run a 10K
10. Run a half marathon
11. Catch fireflies in a jar
12. Write like I used too
13. Go to New York City
14. Fly in a hot air balloon
15. Learn to play the piano
16. Learn to play the guitar
17. Pay for the guy behind me’s order at Tim Horton’s
18. Zipline
19. Learn to swim. Good.
20. Swim with dolphins
21. Watch the sunrise over the ocean
22. Find my talent. Perfect it to the best of my ability.
23. Get a degree, certificate, diploma, something!
24. Climb a mountain
25. Ride a mechanical bull

What’s on your bucket list?

Imagination rules the world

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life - things that I should be embarrassed of and definitely not admitting in this blog. But I am not embarrassed to say I’ve learned these lessons the hard way because, let’s be honest, it’s pretty funny. My lack of common sense in some situations is mind blowing at times. I’ve decided to compile a short list of “life lessons I learned the hard way” because it strays away from the serious topics I usually talk about and is a fun blog entry for once!

(1) Peaches Hurt.
Everybody knows that peaches have fuzz on them. But, what I bet you weren’t aware of is that once the peach is rubbed on your face, those seemingly harmless little fuzzies become painful shards stuck in your pores. Seriously. For some reason one day I decided to feel what the peach fuzz would feel like when I rubbed it on my face. It was harmless enough. But, after rolling it around on my face a few times, I put the peach away and then rubbed my face. Sure enough, those “fuzzies” imbedded themselves into every pore and my face became a bed of sharp prickles. It was incredibly awkward and painful for a few days whenever I rubbed my face.

(2) Curling Irons Also Hurt.
Another smart move in my life occurred one day when I was curling my hair. Everyone knows that curling irons are hot. It’s a pretty obvious fact. But, what’s NOT hot on the curling iron that my Mom had was the little white tip at the end of the iron that you can hold onto while you’re curling your hair. I’ve touched it a thousand times with my hands and had never burned me. So, one day while curling my hair, I decided to be a dork and touch the tip of the curling iron (the part covered in plastic) onto my tongue to “see what would happen.” Sure enough, the white tip somehow became as hot as the iron itself and I burned my tongue. I felt special when someone asked me what I did to burn my tongue and I told them I licked a curling iron.

(3) Playground Equipment Hurts Adults



These seem harmless, right?


WRONG!

I can’t even count how many times, as a child, I did something dangerous at a playground. They’re pretty much a breeding ground for injuries, are they not? Here’s the kicker though – it seems like the kids are never the ones getting injured! I have been injured TWICE at the playground this summer and this is when I am taking Melina to play! I have learned that maybe adults just shouldn’t try to relive their youth through playground equipment but I’m sure I’ll continue doing so as she gets older.
Earlier this summer, I took Melina to one of the playgrounds in town and decided to try hang from the monkey bars. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been on playground equipment to play but I decided to try one of the tricks I used to do as a kid. The ‘trick’ was to hang from the monkey bars with your hands and then swing your legs through the opening between your arms, kind of doing a suspended sommersault. Well, Melina, having more foresight than me, predicted mom was going to hurt herself and told me to get off the equipment but I didn’t listen and started to do my trick. Halfway through my sommersalt, my shoulder twisted at a funny angle and, well, needless to say, we were done our jaunt at the park after that! My shoulders never twisted uncomfortably doing that as a kid.
Just the other day, TJ & I took Melina to the playground by our house. She’s still too short to get onto a lot of the ‘big kid’ equipment so I decided I’d show her how to walk up a slide to get to the top of the landing! I thought I was so cool, climbing up a slide just like I did so many times as a kid. I didn’t take into account how many feet I’ve grown since graduating from kiddie slides. As I was going up the slide at top speed, my face met abruptly with a horizontal steel pole at the top of the slides’ landing. My head snapped back and TJ told me he heard the crack of my nose hitting the pole from across the park. He looked at me like I was a complete dumbass for not realizing there was a pole on the landing but as I walked towards him with tears in my eyes, he realized I was actually hurt! I kind of chuckled at the stupidity of the whole situation while asking him if my nose is broken. It wasn’t - just bruised, red and tender for the next few days. I’ve learned that I probably shouldn’t try to pretend I’m a kid anymore and accept the fact that I’m an *gulp* adult now! Yikes. I’ll still try to teach her to do things at the playground but I’m going to keep my face forward from now on so I can face oncoming poles with style and grace!